ALSO SEE AT: https://walkingindifferentwaysofseeing.blogspot.com.es/2017_10_01_archive.html
A “Tree of Possibilities” that explains visually where I feel I´m at in this life I´m experiencing. The image comes to me like a map I can trace where I have been, where I aim, based on where I am at present. Something like that.
The society I live in affects me, as much as I try to work from my own criteria. When I was a teenager and most of my friends were into partying, I was into philosophy and trying to understand the world I was supposed to live in. I have observed how, from a young age we are taught to aim for wellbeing in ways like you need to study a good career, or get a good job, make money to live well, may be get a good home, may be a mortgage, find a good partner, a good car and be able to go on nice holidays, then of course, have a family when you have all the rest worked out and so on and so on.
Then there are those who reach my age now, around forty, and have failed in most or all of these aims and at times feel like life went by too quick and didn´t get all of that on track. Others who have done all of that are now facing a “where do I go from here” situation. The Children no longer need them so much, the partner in life is now boring, the job is no longer challenging and one feels slightly empty.
From and early age I have been driven by the love for discovery and curiosity. As I grew older I kept this alive though each decision I was able to make, trying to never get into non stimulating jobs, relationships or situations .
I never want to loose that fascination for discovery.
I never decided I wanted to be a painter. I just discovered that while painting I could access this subconscious mind that gave me so much information to work on. I found a certain freedom inside me while putting myself in the state of painting. Painting only complements or enhances a way of discovering, coming from a kind of collective unconscious. It´s new for me, even if it has already been experienced by others.
This Tree of Possibilities Map I quickly drew in my notebook was sketched to not forget this initial idea.
I felt we start life in this body at the trunk and whether the decisions are taken by us, out parents or by life itself, we can trace a line from one branch to the other.
A way is marked. We think, as we grow up that we have free will to decide either this or that way, but in this illustration I see it´s free only in a limited frame of possibilities we are given in life.
Our decisions are really shaped by our attractions and repulsions (represented by the little faces and beings in the background), these also being a product of our automatic response to life.
Anyway, by seeing this image I then saw there are so many branches of this Tree of Possibilities that I haven´t taken. Somehow I feel they also are a part of me. I also live with all the things I know I haven´t done or felt.
I asked myself what happens when I reach the end of the branch and look into the abyss. Is this where those people are who have done all the ambitions in life and now are stuck waiting for life to grow the branch for them? Is that the place the successful artist or scientist reaches after a great breakthrough and feels there is nothing important left in life to make a difference? Is that the point they become depressed and unmotivated? Is that the place they are waiting for life to surprise them?
This is the point I reached in this image when I decided that if I was to reach this place, I´d like to be the spider who connects and threads all those ends of branches to create a rich and fulfilling now.
By connecting, I mean to bring all those other possible presents to the now, accept all the paths that didn´t become active, and include them in my present.
I was explaining this to someone and they asked me, “what does that mean in practical terms?”.
What it means is that usually one limits ones moves to only slightly stretch experience, in ones possible world. I never went to University, I might have been limiting my academic knowledge to this fact, but the reality is that I can share my knowledge in this field. I might lack many structures for this but I shouldn´t limit myself. The other example is that haven´t had children. I could exclude myself from certain circles and experiences because of this. Or I can choose to embrace the experience of others and be an important part of their lives also. These are two quite large issues, only briefly mentioned, but then there are others like the society one chooses to live amongst, it could be any other I crossed and was a part of for a time. I can also make that a part of my present.
It´s all about transforming a memory that would naturally go stagnant over time (nostalgia) and turn it into an alive experience of the present that nurtures me now.
It´s about bringing out all those details and feelings.
A kind of exorcism to the phantoms of the past. Bring it all forward and clean the space of old dust. Symbolically.
While painting it, I go back and rescue memories and play them through, to reach different versions of myself, welcome them to the community and make them part of me now.
Each moment I recall a decision I made, or life made for me, is represented by a symbol in the bark of the branch and then kept in a dictionary for myself.
Each symbol has been created while visualising the moment of change, the moment just before I took the other path, when it was still present.
(at the moment only in my Dictionary of symbols and moments, still not transferred to the painting)
Empty circles that will contain the symbol for each path crossing.
I guess the part where I can see the roots will be the baggage from family passed down for generations.
An other aspect this Tree shows me is that many of my discoveries I find so valuable and special, others have already discovered. I can feel quite disillusioned when this happens, but this graphic of the tree shows me that I´m still digging common grounds. When I find others have discovered the same as me before I should take it as important information to grow on the subject and then will be able to grow further knowledge upon these discoveries. It´s a push forward to go even further.
Good answers to questions bring more good questions. If the answer brings comfort it´s not real. It is suspect of not seeing the whole thing. Something is missing. Nothing is only comfortable if real.
During these months I have been working on both these paintings quite consistently. The days I am able to go and walk for an hour, then write and then spend a long day painting, I usually work on the Labyrinth.
The days I have to fit in other work and can get a couple of hours work in the morning and a few more in the evening and can´t be so focused, Im only able to work on the Tree of Possibilities. Some days I work with phenomena and other with full subconsciousness.